Why Some Adult Children End Family Contact—and What May Help Rebuild Trust

Family estrangement can leave a parent grieving while an adult child feels that distance is necessary for safety or well-being. The same relationship may look entirely different to each person in it. That gap helps explain why reconciliation can take time—and why repeated attempts to force contact may deepen the hurt.

Beatrice Sanders, 69, moved from Maryland to Utah after retiring, hoping to be near her only child, Kat Schmidt, 30. The two had been close. Sanders remembers being grateful for Schmidt while raising her alone and working as a secretary to an elementary-school principal. But after the move, Schmidt said she had long felt responsible for her mother's happiness and that their lives were too intertwined. She also said Sanders continued physical contact she had asked her to stop.

In April, Schmidt blocked her mother's number and ended contact. Sanders was devastated and felt she had tried hard to be a good parent. Their story holds a difficult lesson: loving intentions and a child's experience of a relationship can coexist without matching.

What the available numbers can—and can’t—tell us

Estrangement is widely discussed, including in online communities for adult children and parents. That visibility does not establish whether it has become more common. Researchers have gathered some information, but the evidence does not show a reliable trend over time.

Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University professor of human development who studies family estrangement, says there is no scientifically acceptable evidence proving that estrangement is increasing or decreasing. What has grown, in his view, is people's readiness to name the experience and talk about it with others.

A nationally representative survey of 1,340 U.S. adults, conducted by Pillemer's Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project and published in his 2020 book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, found that 27% said they had no contact with a close relative. That included 17% who identified the relative as a parent or child. A 2025 YouGov survey found that 38% of U.S. adults reported estrangement from an immediate family member; 16% named a parent and 10% a child.

Those figures come from different surveys, so they shouldn’t be treated as a direct measure of change over time. They do show that many people report a serious break in family contact. The reasons vary from one family to another.

Different histories can lead to distance

In some families, estrangement follows physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Mental illness, drug use and other pressures can also contribute to a parent-child relationship breaking down. Sometimes a parent's own behavior is part of the story.

Richard Heller, 67, says his anger as a parent helped damage his relationship with his son, now 39. The two have had almost no contact for about a decade, and Heller has never met his four-year-old grandchild. After divorcing when his children were young, Heller remarried. He says his son struggled with the blended family, and their conflict continued through his son's teenage years and adulthood.

Heller now recognizes that his anger frightened his children. His daughter, Samantha, 35, told him she had been scared of him as a child. She says she understands why her brother has stepped away from their father, even though she misses her brother too. What she sees beneath his anger is pain, and she believes her father may not fully understand everything he did.

For years, Heller felt furious with his son and tried to bring him back into his life. He says meditation and outside support helped him work through some of the pain behind his rage. He has also tried to consider how his own actions contributed to the rupture. He wants a relationship with his children, but says he has had to find a way to live with his son's decision.

Conflict can also grow when parents and adult children disagree over core beliefs or choices. Megan Gilligan, an associate professor of human development and family science at the University of Missouri, worked on the Within Family Differences study. It began in 2000 with in-depth interviews involving about 500 mothers and some of their adult children. The mothers, who were around 65 and lived in the Boston area, were interviewed again seven years later.

Gilligan describes one case in which a devout Catholic mother accepted her son's divorce but not his remarriage. The mother did not set out to end the relationship. Still, her anger about his choice contributed to years of strain, until he chose to limit or stop contact.

Parents may also find it hard to adjust when adult children challenge familiar expectations about family roles and authority. Psychologist Joshua Coleman, who works with families affected by estrangement and experienced a break with his own daughter, says expectations around honoring parents and putting family ties first have shifted. Adult children may give more weight to their mental health, happiness, personal growth and identity. That change can be painful for parents who were raised with different ideas about what family members owe one another.

Coleman discusses the subject in Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict and in his Family Troubles newsletter. His work offers one view of a complex subject; no single explanation fits every family.

Why two people may remember the same rupture differently

Reconciliation can stall when parent and child disagree about what happened, what it meant and whether anyone has taken responsibility. Sanders and Schmidt illustrate that divide. When Sanders moved to Utah, Schmidt was leaving the Mormon faith in which she had been raised and had recently started therapy for anxiety.

Sanders sees her daughter's choice as part of a search for independence and identity. Schmidt says she had repeatedly explained what upset her, but felt that her mother did not understand or change her behavior. She says she could not say no and trust that her refusal would be respected.

Both say they had spent years feeling careful around each other. Then one incident became a breaking point. Schmidt says her mother grabbed her unexpectedly during an evening out. She says she accepts consensual hugs and touch, but had told her mother that forced affection crossed a boundary. Sanders recalls holding Schmidt's shoulder to steady herself during a moment of excitement.

For Schmidt, the incident confirmed that a limit she had clearly stated would not be honored. For Sanders, the action was a brief gesture, not a deliberate disregard. The difference between those accounts does not settle the dispute, but it shows why arguing over a single detail may not address the deeper loss of trust.

Sanders says her own father was abusive and that she sees herself as a much better parent. She feels sad and disappointed that her daughter sees her as a source of hurt. Schmidt says she loves and misses her mother, but does not feel safe around her. Both are expressing attachment; only one currently feels able to resume contact.

Pillemer calls one pattern among estranged parents “defensive ignorance”: a parent may say they have no idea why a child cut contact. Yet, when researchers ask further questions, they often find that the child had sent detailed messages explaining the problem. The parent may have dismissed those messages as mistaken, unreasonable or exaggerated.

That response can protect a parent from the painful possibility that they contributed to the separation. It can also make repair harder. A child who has explained a concern may experience another denial as proof that speaking up will not change anything.

Repair begins with listening, not winning

Many families do find a way back toward one another, though the number is difficult to establish. The process can ask a lot of parents, especially when they are the ones hoping to reopen contact. Jan Anderson, a psychologist and executive life coach who works with some parents of estranged adult children, says a relationship can’t move forward if each person is focused on proving the other wrong. Understanding the child's experience is a more useful starting point, even when the parent remembers events differently.

Anderson advises parents to stop “litigating the facts.” That means listening for what the other person experienced instead of treating the conversation like a case to win. A parent can acknowledge the impact of an action without agreeing with every detail of the child's account.

When an adult child has ended contact, the child decides whether and when to reopen it. Anderson says parents may need to accept that the balance of control has changed: the child is setting new terms for the relationship. That can feel unfair or unfamiliar, especially to parents who once had more say in family life.

Coleman suggests that some parents consider writing an amends letter. The aim is to show understanding, empathy and responsibility, and to express a willingness to work on the relationship. Coleman says writing such a letter helped him reconnect with his daughter.

A letter can miss its mark if it disguises a defense as an apology. Phrases such as “if I did anything wrong” or “I wasn’t a perfect parent” leave the central concern unanswered. Coleman says the parent needs to look honestly at their own choices and describe what they understand about the harm, without making the child responsible for comforting them.

Repair can’t be demanded. Anderson says arriving uninvited at a child's home is unlikely to help. Heller learned how quickly repeated outreach can cross a line. After his son blocked his calls and messages, Heller searched for him online and went to his workplace. His son told him not to call, text, write or make contact in any way. Heller has not spoken with him since that meeting, about eight years ago.

That experience makes one practical point clear: a parent's wish to explain, apologize or reconnect does not cancel the child's request for distance. Respecting that request may be the only way to show that a stated boundary will be taken seriously.

A family can be close and still face estrangement

Stories of family breaks can make estrangement seem like the defining experience of parenthood. A 2024 Pew Research survey found that 77% of parents described their relationship with their adult children as excellent or very good. Pillemer sees a paradox: many young adults remain close to and dependent on their parents, while estrangement is also visible and openly discussed.

Sanders believes she and Schmidt may reunite someday. For now, she plans to leave Utah and move in with her brother in South Carolina, where he has health concerns. Her hope does not mean contact has resumed or that the conflict is resolved. It means she is making room for uncertainty while continuing with her own life.

Practical steps for parents hoping to reconnect

• Make clear that you are open to contact, then give your child space. Don’t monitor them online or turn up at their home or workplace. If they have asked you not to reach out, respect that request.
• Set aside the urge to assign blame. Ask yourself what your child may be reacting to, and stay curious about the parts of the relationship you can influence.
• Consider outside support. A therapist, or a trusted friend or relative willing to be candid, may help you see patterns that people who always agree with you might miss.
• Limit time spent in online groups that reinforce only one side's account. Community can offer comfort, but repeated confirmation can make it harder to hear another person's experience.
• Be prepared for boundaries that feel strict. Your child may set conditions for renewed contact. Respecting them gives trust a chance to grow; any later change has to come through the relationship itself.

Reconciliation isn’t guaranteed, and it may not happen on the parent's preferred timeline. A concrete place to begin is to listen to what the child has already said, take responsibility where it fits, and let the child's response set the pace.

This story first appeared in Kiplinger Retirement Report. Read more retirement advice.

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